MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
*************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
28 . Another multi-task completed. No problem . . . .

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."

"Fine,” I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you Jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

2010 DARWIN AWARDS







Finally a new batch...............it’s comforting to know there is a shallow end in the gene pool!!!



2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath,
so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

8th Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>
> 5th Place
> Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell
> through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
> robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had placed in his mouth
> to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
> floor.
>
> 4th Place
> Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he
> won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
> four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
>
> 3rd Place
>
>
> After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the
> front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing
> the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
> standing at the counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
> announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The
> officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also
> drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene
> by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
> cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
> Ballistics identified rounds
> from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
>
> HONOURABLE MENTION
> Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving
> around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window
> to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
> was closed
>
> RUNNER UP
> Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of
> them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge
> in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
> 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival
> at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
> bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
> pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one
> end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His
> fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
> the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was
> rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
>
> AND THE WINNER IS...
> Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his
> constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
> of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got
> relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
> give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast
> unloaded.
> The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
> Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
> elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
> It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....
> 's--t happens'
>
>
Seeing as where all but 2? are from, doesn`t it justmake you proud to be British

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

...............................
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.We recommend
Food and Hot Lingerie .
Good Luck,
Tech Support

So Juheeman, how is life in the dog kennel ? do you have a blanket in there ?

Subject: Gentle Thoughts for Today




Gentle Thoughts for Today -


Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but
being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . .

An Arabic family were considering putting their grandfather Abdullah into
a nursing home. But as all the Arabic facilities were completely full they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa
Abdullah ... How do you like it here? asks the grandson..

It's Great! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says grandpa ...
We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
You know, since you are a little different from everyone else ...

Oh no! Let me tell you about how respectful they treat the residents ...
says Abdullah with a big smile ...

There's a musician in here ... he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ... 'The Maestro'

There is a judge in here ... he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ... 'Your Honour'

There's a dentist here ... he's 90 years old who hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ... 'The Doctor'

As for me ... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me ... 'The F*&$ing Arab'

Sage advice from Ancient China


Confucius say,




" Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner,

















if she stops sucking, replace the bag."

I've just started an online business making bombs disguised as prayer mats.


Prophets are going through the roof!

QUIZ :

ARE YOU A MAN OR A WOMAN?

NOT SURE?

HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...


.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..
.
.




















.































NOT IN HERE YOU IDIOT!!

A man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as golf player, Tiger Woods.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and he takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on Tour,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then he takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on Tour."

Then he drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

He replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!

A little boy catches mummy riding daddy. The boy asks what they're doing, mum replies 'daddys got a big belly so i get on top to help flatten it' the boy says ' your wasting your time mum, cos when your out shoping, the lady next door gets down on her knees and blows it back up'

The missing Letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk,says,'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...









'CELEBRATE!!!'