How do these people survive?
If they are tru, then I realy don`t know

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Asda with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Temp. who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

Was that theone in RHQ?

SIX
A mother calls 999 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Surgery

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'?

A Royal Artillery patrol captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice.

The Bombardier leading the patrol tells him to roll the dice and tells him "If you get a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 your head comes off"

The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?"

The Bombardier says "You get another go."

mum's age

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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One for Juheemam!

$10,000 to talk to god?

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North .

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call' . The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for . The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God .

The American thanked the priest and went along his way . Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was . She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God .

'O.K., thank you,' said the American . He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. .

The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone . He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign .

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches . I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call . Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call' .

Moishe Plotnik's Laundry
(a true story)

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......

When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'
It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I came to this country. I standing in line at ' Documentation Center of Immiglation.'
Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland ......'
'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik..'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting

Zoo keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with fruit and nuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish , chimps and mushy bees."

Odd insurance claims

One motorist was left rather red faced when, after stopping in the woods late one night to “relieve himself”, he emerged from behind a tree to find his car had gone. In a panic he called the police and his insurer to report the theft and his Dad who came to rescue him. But the night was not over yet! During the short journey home with his Dad the car managed to break down, forcing them to call for assistance. Later, when father and son poured out the events of the night to the AA Patrolman, he became puzzled by the fact that although the chap was only about 20 feet from his car he did not hear it start up. Acting on a hunch, they all returned to the “scene of the crime” only to find wheel tracks disappearing down a grass bank where his car was waiting patiently at the bottom.

Oh, so that is what the handbrake is for…
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………


When one customer stopped his van on the side of the road to pop into his local shop and buy a newspaper, he did not expect to come out seconds later and find both his van, and the dog inside it, gone without a trace. When he asked bystanders if they had seen anything, one man remarked that he had seen a “large dog driving a van down the road”.Somehow the dog's lead had wound itself around the gear lever and had released it. Fortunately, the van was stopped in its descent by another vehicle parked further down the hill.

I didn`t know Jordan drove vans.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
When one customer parked his camper van on the beach to enjoy the view and a nice nap, he certainly did not expect to wake up to find his feet wet and someone in a boat banging on the window to rescue him. The tide had come in while he was asleep, and although he was safely rescued, the van sank without a trace.

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a
young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea
with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and
wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media
love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his
mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes
today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and
I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother
has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having
such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but
I'm really sorry.'



'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Chubby Mike, the midget...!"

A frog story

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the girl behind the counter, from her badge he sees that her name is Miss Patricia Whack.

"Good morning Miss Whack," croaks the frog, "I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday please."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him what his name is.

The frog croaks, "I'm Kermit Jagger and my dad's Mick Jagger and the loan will be okay because I know the manager."

She says, "I'll need some collateral to secure a loan for that much money."

The frog replies, "Sure, I've got this," and produces a tiny ceramic pink elephant, about an inch tall and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to speak with the manager and disappears into his office. She says to him, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and he wants to borrow £30,000. This is what he wants to use as collateral," showing him the little pink elephant, "I mean what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this ... )

The bank manager looks at her and says, "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."




You're singing it aren't you? Yeah, I know you are ...

Never take life too seriously.

Come on now, you grinned ... I know you did!

Have a lovely day

Praise.

The Priest asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Angela Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Gay flight attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

A woman walks into the Newcastle benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...


'OH WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?


'Aye they're alll mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit doon Geordie.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's me eldest - he's Geordie.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one, he's Geordie anall.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Geordie. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Geordie?'

Their Mother replied, 'Wey aye - it meks it easior. When it's time to get them oot of bed and ready for scheul, A yell, 'Geordie!' An'
when it's time for dinner, A just yell 'Geordie!' an' they alll come
runnin.' An' if A need to stop the kid who's runnin oot into the street, I just yell 'Geordie' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea Av ivvor had, namin' them all Geordie.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Whey that's easy pet....... A call them by their sornames!'

The time machine

President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:





"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"






"I can't! .....It's in Bloody Arabic!"