A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party..
He doesn ' t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate ' s outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.



The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk ' s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now , because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Irish Confessional


An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."



The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."





Niagra18

Subject: The $3.99 Special


If you are a senior you will understand this one.

If you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better.

If you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.

The £3.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £3.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £4.50 because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and
baked a cake.


Moral

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!


Niagra18

NOT Xmas cracker joke

Man says to his wife "Tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time"

Wife has a think & says " Yours is biggger than your brothers!"

Elton John goes to a tattoo parlour and asks to have Rolls Royce tattooed on his todger.

'Yeah, I can do that....can I make a suggestion first?'

'What's that?'

'Range Rover would be better'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, both are double names, both start R R, and both are British. But the advantage of the Range Rover is...





























.....it won't get stuck in the sh!t!'

Not from an Xmas cracker

Elderly Mrs Davies goes to the Doctors complaining of a bubbly tummy.

Receptionist calls out, Dr Malabi will see you now Mrs Davies. In she goes and takes a seat. Dr Malabi checks her notes and asks her what her problem is.

Well you see Doctor, it's my tummy, it's all bubbly and I can't stop fluffing. They are quiet and they don't smell, in fact I have slipped three out in here just now.

Doctor writes her a prescription ans tells her to come back the following week.

She duly turns up, how are you Mrs Davies ? Well Doctor, no idea what the tablets were, but now when I fluff, it stinks really bad.

Doctor replies - well that's your sinuses sorted out - see the nurse and she will syringe your ears for you.

Another one.

A pretty brunette sees her doctor and complains that she hurts everywhere.

She prods her head, arms, ribs, stomach, thighs and calves, moaning, "ow ow ouch ooh ohmygod oooh," each time she prods.

The patient doc looks on and after she's finished says. "You're not really a brunette, you're a blonde aren't you?"

She's astounded and says. "Gosh, yes doctor, how did you know?"

The doc rolls his eyes. "Because your finger's broken."

And another one.

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for ?

A kid at the back shouts out' He was the last white man
to be called Winston!`

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender? Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: " Yes, sir With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes, sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes, sir, I do..."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir --- we share the building with the court complex... and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and we think he'll win.

IRISH PASSWORD

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin

When asked why he had such a long password he said:

''Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one
capital''

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but
my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.....

Different Threat Levels Around The World - Thank God for the Jocks

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Fabio Capello phoned Wayne Bridge last night and said "I've just spoken to John Terry and he's lost the captains armband………………..do me a favor and have a look under your bed for me! lol.

A heart warming story, hope you all enjoy...............




Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.



'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?



Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'



'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.



'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.



'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'



Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'



'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the @@@@@@@.'

The Cat and the Kid

A teacher is explaining biology to her young schoolkids. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter, ' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'Miss… I had a kitty-cat who stuttered. '
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe what happened.

"Well," she began, ' I was in the back garden with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our garden.'

'That must've been scary, ' said the teacher.

'Yes it was, ' said the little girl. ' My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff," but before she could say ' heck-off !, ' the Rottweiler ate her!